I can be pretty judgemental. In fact, what I think are well-phrased arguments delivered in a persuasive manner can sound, to some people, like the pronouncements of God, or Simon Cowell. It's not until I notice them cowering in a corner with their eyes darting all over the place that I realise I've frightened them off - yet again. Whoops.
I still get incredibly hurt when friends say "But you don't like
anything". It makes me sound like Bitchelinda de Curdlemilk-Snottington. There are many things I
love. Beyond reason. I just - know when I don't.
So this week I'm unmuzzling my inner critic. Celebrating my darkest disdainianism. Pooh-poohing till it's positively unsanitary.
Step in, if you dare, to Scriven's
Gallery of Horrors. Feel free to request any of the titles on this list, by the way - it's only
my opinion.
James Patterson - Any title
Poor guy. He gets a bad rap from critics, he really does. And it's wholly undeserved. Fact is, he doesn't even write most of his stuff anymore. I think a computer programme does it through algorithms or something of that nature. Or possibly they've finally trained gibbons to type. That would explain the short chapters. There are only so many words in their vocabulary.
In three words: Kill Alex Cross.
Dan Brown - Any title
Yeah, well, so, I'm picking on the easy targets. Anyway, there's nothing I could possibly write that 1,000,023 other critics haven't already spewed out. I confess, I did enjoy
The Da Vinci Code, which was a fine, suspension-of-disbelief thrill ride. Then everyone else started raving and it totally lost its appeal. Come on, guys, even I got the mirror writing before Robert I'm-supposed-to-have-a-doctorate-in-this Langdon. So did my dog. It's not
Pride and Prejudice.
Lee Child - Any title
Meh.
Now that's spare storytelling.
Titanic - James Cameron
I remember seeing the trailer for this movie and snorting "Who's going to want to see
that crap?" That year I realised why everyone bullied me.
But the rest of the world is wrong. You're all wrong.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Trilogy
I don't hate
The Hobbit. I don't even dislike it. It makes the list, however, because I find it totally overrated. As a children's story, which it
is, it's just OK. As a seminal work of inspiration to generations of hippies - wtf? It gets brownie points for being first among fantasies, but that's all. To me it's just a pleasant, slight bunch of episodes about a hairy little humanoid - and the movie is even more episodic.
Three films? I nearly fell off my chair.
But I repeat - Martin Freeman can do no wrong. Ever.
Bones - TV series
I found this sort of thing funny when I was 14. Not!
Glee - TV series
What's all the song and dance about? Aaaand that was about as funny as the show. Like, eww?
Elementary - TV series
They put
that up against the BBC version? It's like watching West Auckland FC playing Brazil...Wearing flippers.
Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn
Nasty screwed-up people trying to screw each other up even more. Nope.
Miranda - TV series
Haha. Nope. Or
Is It Just Me?
The Simpsons - TV series
I used to
love The Simpsons. It was the cleverest, funniest thing on TV for a long time. A long time ago. Now it's a positive telezombie. Retire it before the torches come out.
I could not possibly comment on
Game of Thrones because I just can't bring myself to watch it.
So, does anyone out there agree with me? What do you love to hate?